oh how he loves us...
I am so moved by HIS greatness today.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Monday, December 10, 2012
Verse of the day
1 Chronicles 29:11-13
11 Yours, Lord, is the greatness and the power
and the glory and the majesty and the splendor,
for everything in heaven and earth is yours.
Yours, Lord, is the kingdom;
you are exalted as head over all.
12 Wealth and honor come from you;
you are the ruler of all things.
In your hands are strength and power
to exalt and give strength to all.
13 Now, our God, we give you thanks,
and praise your glorious name.
and the glory and the majesty and the splendor,
for everything in heaven and earth is yours.
Yours, Lord, is the kingdom;
you are exalted as head over all.
12 Wealth and honor come from you;
you are the ruler of all things.
In your hands are strength and power
to exalt and give strength to all.
13 Now, our God, we give you thanks,
and praise your glorious name.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
December 1000 Gift Challenge
This is a CHALLENGE that I am doing. I have been reading a blog that a friend introduced me to by Ann Voscamp. It blesses my soul to it's core everyday and takes me back to the cross. I would love for anyone who is reading this to post your gifts as well in the comment section.
I was a little late starting this so here is what I have so far below...
Day 3: Three gifts shining
1. My Husband who walks out the door to go to work so that I may take care of our home and children
2. My Daughter's smile when she woke up this morning
3. A friend who is fighting cancer and in her walk with the Lord is willing to get me out of my junk today I love her so much, she is a shining light for me today and everyday.
Day 4: Three gifts circling, crowning or crafted
1. A green wooden Christmas tree crafted of stars,
2. The desk that I sit at that was made by hand by my Husbands grandfather who now sings with Jesus.
3. The precious button Christmas trees that I watched my Mother make with my two daughters this weekend, I don't know which is better the craft or listening to the laughter and watching the joy while the were creating them."
Day 5: Three gifts silver
1. the 8" long silver Christmas spike hanging in the center of our tree to remind me that the Christmas tree only foreshadows the Christ Tree which only HE could decorate.2. The tinsel on my tree...a tradition started when I was small, only my dad and I would get to this it was our special moment. Now when I hang the tinsel, I am reminded of him.
3. The glittery snowflakes that hang all over my home."
Day 6: Three sweet gifts
1. A book from a friend entitled Humility
2. My Husbands sweet voice in the middle of the day
3. A verse that has gotten me through the day... For even the SON of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give HIS life as a RANSOM for many. Mark 10:45
Day 7-Three gifts from my Savior
1. The grace that he gives me everyday
2. His Truth
3. Allowing some to experience Heaven and bring it back here to share...makes it even more real
Day 8-A gift hung held or heard
My husbands hands that are held when he knows I am discouraged but doesn't say anything.
Day 9: Three gift ugly beautiful:
1. my anxiety-it causes me to depend on my Shepherd each second
2. My 7 year old daughters mouth that is missing 5 teeth but is still so beautiful to me.
3. The head of a glass ballerina doll that hangs on my tree, it is odd, ugly but it used to hang on the front of my tree when I was little and spin. It was my special ornament and still is. That makes it beautiful.
Day 18
1. He loves me.
2. He knows me.
3. He gave himself for me.
Day 20
3 gifts angelic song
1. Wonderful Deberah Liter when she sings "Hosanna" It takes me right to the THRONE
2.My sweet Trinity singing worship songs on her own
3. My precious Naomi's ability to turn any sentence into a song makes me feel as if I am in a Disney Movie!
CHRISTMAS LOVE
- paraphrase of 1 Corinthians 13
If I decorate my house perfectly with plaid bows, strands of twinkling lights and shiny balls, but do not show love to my family, I'm just another decorator.
If I slave away in the kitchen, baking dozens of Christmas cookies, preparing gourmet meals and arranging a beautifully adorned table at
mealtime, but do not show love to my family, I'm just another cook.
If I work at the soup kitchen, carol in the nursing home and give all that I have to charity, but do not show love to my family, it profits me nothing.
If I trim the spruce with shimmering angels and crocheted snowflakes, attend a myriad of holiday parties and sing in the choir's cantata but do not focus on Christ, I have missed the point.
Love stops the cooking to hug the child.
Love sets aside the decorating to kiss the spouse.
Love is kind, though harried and tired.
Love doesn't envy another's home that has coordinated Christmas china and table linens.
Love doesn't yell at the kids to get out of the way.
Love doesn't give only to those who are able to give in return but rejoices in giving to those who can't.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails. Video games will break, pearl necklaces will be lost, golf clubs will rust, but giving the gift of LOVE will endure.
-Author Unknown
Monday, November 26, 2012
Speaking Through Whispers...
As I got up this morning to seek my Sweet Shepherd...for I knew he was waiting. I sat in my little study area of our living room, tree lit, nativity glowing and I read out of His word. I found that I just couldn't comprehend it today, so I proceeded to go to 2 other books that I have been studying. One by the great A.W. Tozer and the other by the great C.S. Lewis. I still found myself wanting something more, more of HIM. Music has always been my thing. I thought maybe if I turn on some worship music while I read. Oh how the Holy Spirit knows how I communicate with my Father. I started listening to instrumental hymns ( my favorite by the way). One by one the songs spoke miles to me as if he was articulating the words straight into my own ear with HIS precious whisper.
Come they Fount of every Blessing was the first...look how the words are asking the Holy Spirit to prepare my heart to worship HIM
Come, thou Fount of every blessing,
tune my heart to sing thy grace;
streams of mercy, never ceasing,
call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
mount of thy redeeming love.
The next was Great is thy faithfullness...He is worthy to be trusted because is can't be anything but faithful. That is who he is. The fact that he provides HIS very own presence to bring me cheer and to guide me is strength for today and HOPE for tomorrow.
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassion's, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
"Great is Thy faithfulness," Lord, unto me!
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above,
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.
Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!
The last is one of my favorites. I am partial to it because my sweet Mom loves it dearly and my Dad has sung it so many times at our Church back home.
His Eye Is on the Sparrow
- Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heav’n and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant Friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
- “Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me. - Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Comatose
WEBSTERS defines being in a coma as follows:
A coma is a deep state of unconsciousness, during which an individual is not able to react to his or her environment. Someone in a coma cannot consciously respond to stimulation. A comatose person is still very much alive, but he or she is not simply asleep. The brain wave activity in a comatose person is very different from that of a sleeping person; you can wake up a sleeping person, you can't wake a person in a coma.
I feel as if my family and I have been in a coma for a very long time. About 2 weeks ago God with His gentle hand woke our family up. Just like coming out of a coma we were groggy and scared and almost wondering where in the world had we been or what had happened. Soon realizing that the events that were unfolding were such a blessing and that he awoke us at just the right time. HIS time! I am so overjoyed at the everyday events that manifest because it is just an opportunity for me to empty myself of yuckiness and to shape my children's character.
This is a great website for teaching your children and celebrating giving Thanks to our Father.
http://sd2cx1.webring.org/l/rd?ring=tomturkeysthanks;id=27;url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Ejust4kidsmagazine%2Ecom%2Fnov%2Ehtml
This is one of the best things ever written:
http://showcase.netins.net/web/creative/lincoln/speeches/thanks.htm
I would challenge you to do something different this Thanksgiving. Serve, thank and when the time is right wake up.
Have a blessed Thanksgiving from our family to yours.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Changes
Yesterday was an absolutely wonderful day. I am drawing so near to my Lord and he is showing Himself to me in many ways. The fear still creeps in, fear of the precious moments that I had yesterday not lasting. I have made changes, God has made changes. It is all in His timing. He is not a God of absolutes. He has allowed all of this only for one purpose...to bring me to his feet. The only thing that I want is to be like him. Not to feel perfect, not to look perfect or not to make a ton of money. Pouring myself into thanking him relieves any sort of fear that I have. He REIGNS!
Monday, October 15, 2012
PANIC
It seems my body won't cooperate. I have been in an ongoing panic since yesterday. It seems to manifest at night. Here's how it shakes down. My heart starts to beat really fast. My body starts shaking and I vomit. Nice huh? Yes that's what this shell of mine is doing. In fact last night I got no sleep. I have a hard time eating, but I know I have to in order to survive and not let the panic get worse. Through this I have seen the hand of God. I know he is present. I am IN the battle. In life alot of "us" move around knowing there is a battle but sometimes getting sidetracked with realities that are right in front of us in our fallen world. Friends let me tell you, GOD is very real to me right now, at the same time I am VERY aware of SATEN. The deceiver knows my every weakness. This is my biggest. My body-when it does things that my mind does not want it to and there is nothing I can do about it. Honestly I just want to take a pill and make it go away. But this is what I have done my entire life. Trusting him right now is my lifeline. Over and over I tell him. SWEET Shepherd you are faithful you are trustworthy, you are BIGGER. I tell him again and again if there were a more gentler way to the cross then you would give it to me. He will stop at NOTHING for his BABY GIRL. I am that LOVED! Thank you for your prayers and PLEASE continue them.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Three Things
Day by day,
Oh, dear Lord
Three things I pray:
To see thee more clearly,
Love thee more dearly,
Follow thee more nearly,
Day by day.
Richard of Chichester
Oh, dear Lord
Three things I pray:
To see thee more clearly,
Love thee more dearly,
Follow thee more nearly,
Day by day.
Richard of Chichester
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Laying down my Isaac
The past 2 weeks have not been the best. I have been trying several new supplements from Dr. Dane and right now we can't find the right fit. I know it will come but the side effects are a little discouraging. The deceiver yet again tries to enter, I have had thoughts of... maybe there is something else going on with my body that she can't find. Then I quickly remember...God is bigger...If there is something going on I will chose to believe that if HE wanted me to know what it was than the Holy Spirit would reveal it. After putting that into practice a million times it is calming, even in the midst of feeling these crazy things going on with my body. In deciding to see Dr Dane I decided to trust her and know that God was going to work through her for his precious Daughter, me. He loves me that much. In the midst of all of this, it looks as if the money will not be there. Choosing to put my "Isaac" down today and trust.
Abraham willingly trusted God with his life. They journeyed many years together, when God asked Abraham to sacrifice his precious promised son. There was no pause in scripture, when he was asked. There was no sigh made by Abraham there were no clinching fists, he just OBEYED and willingly laid his son on the alter. Out of his obedience and trust GOD PROVIDED. He always does.
Whatever choices and decisions we make he will get the glory. HE will be glorified! I can't go wrong if I am choosing to willingly lay down my Isaac. He is my Shepherd. I am HIS sheep. Dumb and self gratifying sheep. When ultimately what is gratifying is choosing to enjoy HIM.
Abraham willingly trusted God with his life. They journeyed many years together, when God asked Abraham to sacrifice his precious promised son. There was no pause in scripture, when he was asked. There was no sigh made by Abraham there were no clinching fists, he just OBEYED and willingly laid his son on the alter. Out of his obedience and trust GOD PROVIDED. He always does.
Whatever choices and decisions we make he will get the glory. HE will be glorified! I can't go wrong if I am choosing to willingly lay down my Isaac. He is my Shepherd. I am HIS sheep. Dumb and self gratifying sheep. When ultimately what is gratifying is choosing to enjoy HIM.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
BLAME...
The past few days have been rough...to speak lightly....
Romans 8:1 King James
There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.
Romans 8:1 the message
1-2 With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ’s being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death.
It seems that I have been thinking God is
Sorry for the white highlights on the words...my computer wouldn't let me change it ;)
Sunday, September 23, 2012
FUNCTIONAL Neorology
What an amazing SUMMER we had! I found that I had devoted so much time to the computer that I wasn't taking time with my family! Now I am back on the cyber world.
Feeling pretty good. I started seeing Dr Dane about 3 weeks ago. She is a Functional Neurologist. Here is the link http://www.functionalhealthcaresolutions.com/
I am amazed at how God designed our bodies. Everything is connected. We all face symptoms of one problem. My symptoms were severe anxiety, depression, weight gain (unable to loose weight) among other things. First I had an exam and blood work. When I got the results I was almost relieved. I was malnourished, not processing food , my body was full of inflammation, I was anemic and my brain was VERY fragile (Dr Dane's words)- because again I was not processing any of the DHA EPA that I was taking in on a daily basis ( I had been taking 3 times the amount of fish oil recommended). She told me that it's like I am standing on the edge of a cliff on a daily basis. That I spend all my energy for just one good fire out, one good "punch" then I am done for the day. I also found out that my center of gravity is actually leaning forword. Which means when I stand totally straight up I am actually leaning foreword. (I still believe it's from a lifetime of roller coaster riding :). This concept of interesting to me. It makes so much sense. That is also my my calf muscles are huge. Because I am constantly using them by walking on the pads of my feet.
LIGHT-B-U-L-B
Dr Dane started me on several supplements and a special nutritional shake. She could barely do any therapies with me the first few sessions because my brain would tire out so quickly. I actually spent the entire first 3 sessions on oxygen. Not because I couldn't breathe, but she wanted to maximize the time we had and the oxygen gave us more because I could get more than one "punch". She monitors my blood pressure and heart rate the entire time. This last week I was off of oxygen and was able to start more intense therapies. The therapies involve lots of eye training exercises. My eyes are very weak but they are getting stronger with each day. I am feeling so much better and we are only 3 weeks in. I go twice a week for three months.
We go through our lives believing that God just "created" us this way. Circumstances in our lives cause our bodies to change and react. Functional Neurology is absolutely amazing. I believe that God has given these Doctors a small peek into just what he designed our bodies to do.
I plan on keeping your up to date as my appointments progress.
God is good and continues bless me.
Enjoying some family time at the
Science Museum!
Feeling pretty good. I started seeing Dr Dane about 3 weeks ago. She is a Functional Neurologist. Here is the link http://www.functionalhealthcaresolutions.com/
I am amazed at how God designed our bodies. Everything is connected. We all face symptoms of one problem. My symptoms were severe anxiety, depression, weight gain (unable to loose weight) among other things. First I had an exam and blood work. When I got the results I was almost relieved. I was malnourished, not processing food , my body was full of inflammation, I was anemic and my brain was VERY fragile (Dr Dane's words)- because again I was not processing any of the DHA EPA that I was taking in on a daily basis ( I had been taking 3 times the amount of fish oil recommended). She told me that it's like I am standing on the edge of a cliff on a daily basis. That I spend all my energy for just one good fire out, one good "punch" then I am done for the day. I also found out that my center of gravity is actually leaning forword. Which means when I stand totally straight up I am actually leaning foreword. (I still believe it's from a lifetime of roller coaster riding :). This concept of interesting to me. It makes so much sense. That is also my my calf muscles are huge. Because I am constantly using them by walking on the pads of my feet.
LIGHT-B-U-L-B
Dr Dane started me on several supplements and a special nutritional shake. She could barely do any therapies with me the first few sessions because my brain would tire out so quickly. I actually spent the entire first 3 sessions on oxygen. Not because I couldn't breathe, but she wanted to maximize the time we had and the oxygen gave us more because I could get more than one "punch". She monitors my blood pressure and heart rate the entire time. This last week I was off of oxygen and was able to start more intense therapies. The therapies involve lots of eye training exercises. My eyes are very weak but they are getting stronger with each day. I am feeling so much better and we are only 3 weeks in. I go twice a week for three months.
We go through our lives believing that God just "created" us this way. Circumstances in our lives cause our bodies to change and react. Functional Neurology is absolutely amazing. I believe that God has given these Doctors a small peek into just what he designed our bodies to do.
I plan on keeping your up to date as my appointments progress.
God is good and continues bless me.
Science Museum!
Baby Girl
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On September 17th my sweet baby girl turned 3! I am constantly blessed by her smiles and laughter. Her personality and BIG blue eyes and lashes melt my heart to the core! Thank you Lord for every second that you have let us borrow sweet Naomi!.JPG)
Saturday, May 19, 2012
CLEANING HOUSE
For a year now I have been meeting with my special friend. My mentor. God has spoken to my heart to much through her. She is my Titus 2 woman. "Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled."
She is a complete example of that. It was a few months ago I realized that she was not God through watching her let Jesus fight her battle with Parkinson's:) . Well it seems God had to convince my pea sized brain that it is him that I crave, not her wisdom. Slowly God has allowed things to be taken away in my life that again my mind and body is convinced that I need, most of these are taken away by my choice. Food was the first thing. It has always had a hold on me. I have found that if it is in the house I will eat it. It makes my body feel tired and I find that I am so depressed that I have a hard time serving my family. Then the medicines I was on. Next FOR ME was Face book. I found that it occupied most of my time I again "craved" it. I enjoyed getting on it and escaping my world and going into someone elses for a bit. At first Ronnie and I decided to be apart of the face book world to be a witness. We have shared the gospel and have encouraged many many souls as well as my soul being encouraged. You see Ronnie has come from a place that most don't know. He has not always feared God as he does now. For people from his past to see the MAN that he is now and his service to our LORD it causes them to ask a lot of questions and in turn we are able to share with them HOW he has changed. But in this I got caught up in the everyday montough of people's comings and goings and even posted some of my own. This past week some comments were posted on FB and I found that I fumed on them all day. The next day It was like a light bulb moment for me...if I didn't have FB I would have never seem these comments hence I would have not even have allowed them to enter my mind. Such a simple thing. I decided to deactivate my FB account. As I did it I felt nervous...how will I connect? How will people get in touch with me. We are talking 600 friends on FB that Ronnie and I read and kept up with! How utterly exhausting! As I deleted that account I felt a freedom like no other. I felt as if I had lost a load of baggage. The next thing we decided to get rid of is Netflix. Our family so enjoys watching movies and shows anytime streaming through our wii. We mostly watch nature shows and documentaries (me). We are trying to cut costs anywhere we can right now and I thought well 8 bucks a month is not so bad. But I am convicted...we have plenty of movies and can do other things besides watch Netflix. Again this is what is working for our family. I am also dropping long distance and caller ID from our phone. The last and most recent thing is the INTERNET! Yes I said it. I need to see if I can absolutely live without it. You may say just limit yourself just don't get on it, guess what I will get on it, I have tried. Again just like the food, if it is in the house I will eat it, watch it get on it etc. I have been studying Romans. It has become clear to me more than ever that I depend on so much more that just GOD. My top goal in life is to be in a relationship with him...so close that he is more real than the hand in front of my face. I am excited about this journey. Will keep you posted. I will be blogging once a week from somewhere else. And in the mean time I will also be saving a TON of money and spending lots of time with my sweet precious little girls and preparing our home for their Daddy.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
My Deliverer
I am so thankful this morning for my great Deliverer. He continues to set me free from myself. I am seeing him so clearly. I see his work in our family. Though things are so stressful, situation wise we are getting to know who God is. He is my deliverer and has set me free.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
INSANITY
The past 2 days have been pretty much insanity. I have OCD more than ever and in my head I think know that things can't be prefect all of the time but my eyes see things not in order and it sends my body into a fit of rage. Is this forever for me? I cannot stand being this way. I shoot from being angry to crying to being angry because I cried. I know there is HOPE. If I don't take things literally one minute at a time I will fall apart. All I can do is cry out to my Redeemer and say...you are all I need. Lord what thing are you asking me to do next that I can't see clearly yet? Lead me in the next step with grace and COURAGE! I have to be ok with not "feeling" the peace yet. It will come. HE promises me that. I will continue this coarse because I want him to be my everything....my person....my love....my life. If I have to go through this for a time, help me to do it with such grace. Be real to me Father...
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Revelation
I must say...that God has sustained me beyond measure. He continues to let me see him in glimpses of my life.
My dizziness is still pretty bad, now nauseous and still emotionally up and down I am on day 8. One week down. I know He never lets go. Joy and pain sun and rain your the same and you never let go of me sweet Father. Thank you all for your prayers. My sister has been here for a few days. God has instilled in her such a sweet calm personality. She was music to my soul. She sat with me, laughed with me, cried with me, walked with me, held me. I felt the hand of God though her. She also helped take some of the burden off of Ronnie. He continues to try and find what makes me tick and what he can do to help me. I love that man beyond words. I find that his touch is what helps me the most. I am so thankful for KNOWING that I am fully taken care of by my Lord and I am not ALONE.
These words mean so much to me...
My life has led me down the road that's so uncertain
Now I am left alone and I am broken
Trying to find my way
Trying to find the faith that's gone
This time I know that you are holding all the answers
I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances
On roads that never seem
To be the ones that bring me home
Give me a revelation
Show me what to do
'Cause I've been trying to find my way
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without you
I've got nothing without you
My life has led me down this path that's ever winding
Through every twist and turn, I'm always finding
That I am lost again
Tell me when this road will ever end
I don't know where I can turn
Tell me, when will I learn
Won't you show me where I need to go
Let me follow your lead
I know that it's the only way that I can get back home
~Third Day
My dizziness is still pretty bad, now nauseous and still emotionally up and down I am on day 8. One week down. I know He never lets go. Joy and pain sun and rain your the same and you never let go of me sweet Father. Thank you all for your prayers. My sister has been here for a few days. God has instilled in her such a sweet calm personality. She was music to my soul. She sat with me, laughed with me, cried with me, walked with me, held me. I felt the hand of God though her. She also helped take some of the burden off of Ronnie. He continues to try and find what makes me tick and what he can do to help me. I love that man beyond words. I find that his touch is what helps me the most. I am so thankful for KNOWING that I am fully taken care of by my Lord and I am not ALONE.
These words mean so much to me...
My life has led me down the road that's so uncertain
Now I am left alone and I am broken
Trying to find my way
Trying to find the faith that's gone
This time I know that you are holding all the answers
I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances
On roads that never seem
To be the ones that bring me home
Give me a revelation
Show me what to do
'Cause I've been trying to find my way
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without you
I've got nothing without you
My life has led me down this path that's ever winding
Through every twist and turn, I'm always finding
That I am lost again
Tell me when this road will ever end
I don't know where I can turn
Tell me, when will I learn
Won't you show me where I need to go
Let me follow your lead
I know that it's the only way that I can get back home
~Third Day
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Raw Emotion...
This is pretty raw here...please pray for me and my family
Today is day 5 ....I am completely off my my medicine for anxiety. I have to say that the side effects are pretty intense. First let me tell you about this week. Monday both Naomi got sick with fever, coughing sore throat ( up all night) Tuesday night Trinity got sick with the same thing (again up all night). I in the mean time started with a pretty severe pain on my right side, by Thursday I knew I should probably call the doctor. They of coarse wanted to see me immediately, I felt as if it were nothing to serious but they wanted to check to see. So Ronnie stayed home with the girls on Friday so I could go (because we only have one car and the girls were still sick). I went and the doc wanted me to have a CT scan. So I fasted and drank that AWFUL dye (2 bottles) and headed to get my scan to which they gave me more of the dye through an IV once I got there. This stuff made me feel SICK SICK SICK. Forgot to mention that because of being up for 3 nights straight with the girls I forgot to take my medicine. Once I realized it (on Friday) well I wanted to come off of it anyway right? Yeah....this timing stinks. All of these things going on. God's timing is perfect though right? I was waiting for side effects to worsen and yesterday they started to peak. I was expecting some anger issues (because that is what I usually face) but had no idea the heaviness I would feel. I am so sad, I feel alone (though I know the truth by body reacts otherwise). I have vertigo, extreme vertigo, so bad it is making me nauseous. I cry all of the time and I just want to sleep. Not sleep because I am depressed but sleep because I want the dizziness to stop. For some reason I am worse when Ronnie is around. I feel angry because I just want him to understand how I feel, again this is not the truth. He is human, not my Saviour. He is just as helpless as I am in the situation. I love him and the human side of me wants someone tangible to help me get out of this and make it go away. My Jesus is the only one who can, and I know this. I have lately been so tired and dizzy that it hurts physically to even try to talk to him. A wise friend (thanks Sarah) told me that just filling my head with praise music or listening to sermons in my home is feeding my brain and my soul. He will give me strength when I need it. Trinity is also aware of the detox period off the medicine. We explained that Mommy has been on a medicine for a very long time and she needs to come off of it and for the next few weeks her body is going to try and search for it and that causes all kinds of things to happen in her body. She asked yesterday was the crying apart of that search that my body was doing. Wow the wisdom of children. Some people would sh reek at the fact that I told my 6 year old about this.
Again I know his timing is perfect. I was complaining yesterday about all of the stuff going on....Then I just picked up the girls bible and started reading outloud we read and read and read. Starting palm Sunday all the way to the Resurrection and the weeks that followed. What a picture of new life.
Today is day 5 ....I am completely off my my medicine for anxiety. I have to say that the side effects are pretty intense. First let me tell you about this week. Monday both Naomi got sick with fever, coughing sore throat ( up all night) Tuesday night Trinity got sick with the same thing (again up all night). I in the mean time started with a pretty severe pain on my right side, by Thursday I knew I should probably call the doctor. They of coarse wanted to see me immediately, I felt as if it were nothing to serious but they wanted to check to see. So Ronnie stayed home with the girls on Friday so I could go (because we only have one car and the girls were still sick). I went and the doc wanted me to have a CT scan. So I fasted and drank that AWFUL dye (2 bottles) and headed to get my scan to which they gave me more of the dye through an IV once I got there. This stuff made me feel SICK SICK SICK. Forgot to mention that because of being up for 3 nights straight with the girls I forgot to take my medicine. Once I realized it (on Friday) well I wanted to come off of it anyway right? Yeah....this timing stinks. All of these things going on. God's timing is perfect though right? I was waiting for side effects to worsen and yesterday they started to peak. I was expecting some anger issues (because that is what I usually face) but had no idea the heaviness I would feel. I am so sad, I feel alone (though I know the truth by body reacts otherwise). I have vertigo, extreme vertigo, so bad it is making me nauseous. I cry all of the time and I just want to sleep. Not sleep because I am depressed but sleep because I want the dizziness to stop. For some reason I am worse when Ronnie is around. I feel angry because I just want him to understand how I feel, again this is not the truth. He is human, not my Saviour. He is just as helpless as I am in the situation. I love him and the human side of me wants someone tangible to help me get out of this and make it go away. My Jesus is the only one who can, and I know this. I have lately been so tired and dizzy that it hurts physically to even try to talk to him. A wise friend (thanks Sarah) told me that just filling my head with praise music or listening to sermons in my home is feeding my brain and my soul. He will give me strength when I need it. Trinity is also aware of the detox period off the medicine. We explained that Mommy has been on a medicine for a very long time and she needs to come off of it and for the next few weeks her body is going to try and search for it and that causes all kinds of things to happen in her body. She asked yesterday was the crying apart of that search that my body was doing. Wow the wisdom of children. Some people would sh reek at the fact that I told my 6 year old about this.
Again I know his timing is perfect. I was complaining yesterday about all of the stuff going on....Then I just picked up the girls bible and started reading outloud we read and read and read. Starting palm Sunday all the way to the Resurrection and the weeks that followed. What a picture of new life.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
some history and a new journey
Dearest Blogging friends,
I am getting ready to embark on one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. Let me give you some history. Upon my teen years I was a terror. I was an emotional wreck. I was first put on Birth Control at the age of 14 to try and help with the mood swings and severe PMS. When switching that several times in a matter of years the doc suggested that I have a chemical imbalance. What exactly is a chemical imbalance anyway? ( I am doing my research on this, I do believe it is real but stems from somewhere else, such as chemical reactions in the liver) So I started on Prozac at the age of 16. Seemed to help with the PMS symptoms temporally. In six months the Doctor had to up my dose. Then a few months after that I switched to a different SSRI ( Select Serotonin Re uptake Inhibitor) Paxil, then Zoloft. This had been an ongoing process until 4 years ago when through prayer and a lot of anger (for a drug or drugs having so much of a hold on me) I proceeded to come off slowly. I felt better than I had EVER felt. Then 3 months after, Ronnie went into the Hospital for diverticulitis and diverticulosis (this is the first time anything like this had happened in our 3 year Marriage) I felt panic at first but was able to stay pretty calm. Weeks after that Ronnie was rushed to the Hospital for Emergency Colon Surgery. Upon arrival to the hospital they discovered he had eaten a Whopper and Fries, surgery would have to be postponed 2 days to clean out his system, he would be spending these 2 days in the hospital hooked up to IVs with antibiotics and fluids. The first night he was put in the hospital, I was at home with my sweet Trinity and I started bleeding. I was mortified. I had heard of my friends going through this but never in my naive mind would my family go through this, now especially when my love was in the hospital with a severe life threatening infection. I talked with God a lot. I talked with my friend Shannon, she did the best thing that a friend can ever do, she told me the truth. She said Amber you need to prepare yourself that you are probably losing your baby. To be continued...
I am getting ready to embark on one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. Let me give you some history. Upon my teen years I was a terror. I was an emotional wreck. I was first put on Birth Control at the age of 14 to try and help with the mood swings and severe PMS. When switching that several times in a matter of years the doc suggested that I have a chemical imbalance. What exactly is a chemical imbalance anyway? ( I am doing my research on this, I do believe it is real but stems from somewhere else, such as chemical reactions in the liver) So I started on Prozac at the age of 16. Seemed to help with the PMS symptoms temporally. In six months the Doctor had to up my dose. Then a few months after that I switched to a different SSRI ( Select Serotonin Re uptake Inhibitor) Paxil, then Zoloft. This had been an ongoing process until 4 years ago when through prayer and a lot of anger (for a drug or drugs having so much of a hold on me) I proceeded to come off slowly. I felt better than I had EVER felt. Then 3 months after, Ronnie went into the Hospital for diverticulitis and diverticulosis (this is the first time anything like this had happened in our 3 year Marriage) I felt panic at first but was able to stay pretty calm. Weeks after that Ronnie was rushed to the Hospital for Emergency Colon Surgery. Upon arrival to the hospital they discovered he had eaten a Whopper and Fries, surgery would have to be postponed 2 days to clean out his system, he would be spending these 2 days in the hospital hooked up to IVs with antibiotics and fluids. The first night he was put in the hospital, I was at home with my sweet Trinity and I started bleeding. I was mortified. I had heard of my friends going through this but never in my naive mind would my family go through this, now especially when my love was in the hospital with a severe life threatening infection. I talked with God a lot. I talked with my friend Shannon, she did the best thing that a friend can ever do, she told me the truth. She said Amber you need to prepare yourself that you are probably losing your baby. To be continued...
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