INSANITY

The past 2 days have been pretty much insanity.  I have OCD more than ever and in my head I think know that things can't be prefect all of the time but my eyes see things not in order and it sends my body into a fit of rage.  Is this forever for me?  I cannot stand being this way.  I shoot from being angry to crying to being angry because I cried.  I know there is HOPE.  If I don't take things literally one minute at a time I will fall apart.  All I can do is cry out to my Redeemer and say...you are all I need.  Lord what thing are you asking me to do next that I can't see clearly yet?  Lead me in the next step with grace and COURAGE!  I have to be ok with not "feeling" the peace yet.  It will come.  HE promises me that.  I will continue this coarse because I want him to be my everything....my person....my love....my life.  If I have to go through this for a time, help me to do it with such grace.  Be real to me Father...

Revelation

I must say...that God has sustained me beyond measure.  He continues to let me see him in glimpses of my life.
 
My dizziness is still pretty bad, now nauseous and still emotionally up and down I am on day 8.  One week down.  I know He never lets go.  Joy and pain sun and rain your the same and you never let go of me sweet Father.  Thank you all for your prayers.  My sister has been here for a few days.  God has instilled in her such a sweet calm personality.  She was music to my soul.  She sat with me, laughed with me, cried with me, walked with me, held me.  I felt the hand of God though her.  She also helped take some of the burden off of Ronnie.  He continues to try and find what makes me tick and what he can do to help me.  I love that man beyond words.  I find that his touch is what helps me the most.  I am so thankful for KNOWING that I am fully taken care of by my Lord and I am not ALONE. 


These words mean so much to me...

My life has led me down the road that's so uncertain
Now I am left alone and I am broken
Trying to find my way
Trying to find the faith that's gone

This time I know that you are holding all the answers
I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances
On roads that never seem
To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation
Show me what to do
'Cause I've been trying to find my way
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without you
I've got nothing without you

My life has led me down this path that's ever winding
Through every twist and turn, I'm always finding
That I am lost again
Tell me when this road will ever end

I don't know where I can turn
Tell me, when will I learn
Won't you show me where I need to go
Let me follow your lead
I know that it's the only way that I can get back home
~Third Day

Raw Emotion...

This is pretty raw here...please pray for me and my family


Today is day 5 ....I am completely off my my medicine for anxiety.  I have to say that the side effects are pretty intense.  First let me tell you about this week.  Monday both Naomi got sick with fever, coughing sore throat ( up all night) Tuesday night Trinity got sick with the same thing (again up all night).  I in the mean time started with a pretty severe pain on my right side, by Thursday I knew I should probably call the doctor.  They of coarse wanted to see me immediately, I felt as if it were nothing to serious but they wanted to check to see.  So Ronnie stayed home with the girls on Friday so I could go (because we only have one car and the girls were still sick).  I went and the doc wanted me to have a CT scan.  So I fasted and drank that AWFUL dye (2 bottles) and headed to get my scan to which they gave me more of the dye through an IV once I got there.  This stuff made me feel SICK SICK SICK.  Forgot to mention that because of being up for 3 nights straight with the girls I forgot to take my medicine.  Once I realized it (on Friday) well I wanted to come off of it anyway right?  Yeah....this timing stinks.  All of these things going on.  God's timing is perfect though right?  I was waiting for side effects to worsen and yesterday they started to peak.  I was expecting some anger issues (because that is what I usually face) but had no idea the heaviness I would feel.  I am so sad, I feel alone (though I know the truth by body reacts otherwise).  I have vertigo, extreme vertigo, so bad it is making me nauseous.  I cry all of the time and I just want to sleep.  Not sleep because I am depressed but sleep because I want the dizziness to stop.  For some reason I am worse when Ronnie is around.  I feel angry because I just want him to understand how I feel, again this is not the truth.  He is human, not my Saviour.  He is just as helpless as I am in the situation.  I love him and the human side of me wants someone tangible to help me get out of this and make it go away.  My Jesus is the only one who can, and I know this.  I have lately been so tired and dizzy that it hurts physically to even try to talk to him.  A wise friend (thanks Sarah) told me that just filling my head with praise music or listening to sermons in my home is feeding my brain and my soul.  He will give me strength when I need it.  Trinity is also aware of the detox period off the medicine.  We explained that Mommy has been on a medicine for a very long time and she needs to come off of it and for the next few weeks her body is going to try and search for it and that causes all kinds of things to happen in her body.  She asked yesterday was the crying apart of that search that my body was doing.  Wow the wisdom of children.  Some people would sh reek at the fact that I told my 6 year old about this.


Again I know his timing is perfect.  I was complaining yesterday about all of the stuff going on....Then I just picked up the girls bible and started reading outloud we read and read and read.  Starting palm Sunday all the way to the Resurrection and the weeks that followed.  What a picture of new life.